end of the year meme!
I was going to wait until the end of December but then I realized that wasn't really necessary.

January: "Four Rooms"
February: Ah! I was totally going to ignore the writer's block box but then I saw what it was <3
March: Ah, so I got that whole business w/VCU and my essays sorted out (after the call about the SAT scores, I got a letter saying my essays were missing too, jeez).
April: So...yeah
May: So, because of Humanities, I totally didn't just go download Tombstone and it's totally not on my external harddrive now.
June: It's possible to love someone without wanting to get in their pants right?
July: I can't decide if I want to upload the rest of the BBiF episodes all in one go--or put them up in increments...
August: At this rate I'm probably not even going to get to see Idy in person before I ship off to college. [oh, ouch]
September: Oh, I really did feel like I had come here with something to post and now it's completely gone out of my head...
October: I don't think I'll update anymore [drama queeeeen]
November: Well, I've officially started my novel for NaNoWriMo...yeah, it's getting off to a bit of a bumpy start--but hey, this is no shock.
December: ok, a few good things

( also )

Well, things seem to have settled down.
JP appeared out of nowhere today and when I told him about the roommate situation, he offered to come talk to Dominique. And that was good because then some actual talking happened.
It was still a bit 'eh...'--but apparently Dominique talked our RA at some point--so she came over and there was another talk.
I felt like a bit of a jackass though b/c we were supposed to say what bothered us/what big problems we have--and I really didn't have any (the overhead light thing and leaving the TV on didn't feel like big enough deals to mention--b/c, really, that's easy enough to live with if I can complain a bit to somebody every now and then)--and I can't say 'I don't like your random statements about boring stuff!'...so...I just didn't say much. Our RA was like ".......I feel like you're thinking things but not saying them..." "Err, noo...."
So basically I'm the one causing all the problems, yeah. Yeah.
So afterwards I felt pretty much like shit--but Dominique seemed to be in a better mood.
She just, uh, she just really doesn't like Erika anymore. :/
But I still like you Erika! Really, I love hanging out with you.

Oh well...at least the room isn't filled with anger and resentment clouds anymore.


But but but!! Did I mention??? Idy got to call me on Sunday! Her parents let her talk to me! Hopefully she'll get to call again next week as well. I really hope so.
Seriously, I got her call and I wanted to cry, I got the shakes and everything (I was...not exactly in the best emotional state at the time--what with all this hullaballoo).

Oh so tired......I meant to get sleep over this break--but of course I ended up staying up later than I do in the first place. Eeeeerg. 7:00 is going to hurt like hell tomorrow morning. Oh well.

Got to see LaurenMoran and RJ Saturday, had tea, it was nice. Plus! Lauren brought me a flag back from England, wee. Damn, her.

So...I never mailed in my immunization records, apparently. And I have no idea where they are now. I'm going to have to go back to C'ville at some point this week so I can stop by the doctor's office and (hopefully) get some copies. Arg arg arg.

And I'm kind of horribly behind on a lot of Focused Inquiry work. Crap!
I'm just so uninspired by that class--I am discouraged by that class in fact.

I think I've decided to go ahead and minor in Creative Writing and French though.
It was either that or do English as a second major aaaand....
I figure I had better pick up French again--especially if I want to work in the UK in the future (they pretty much expect you to know some French, I've been told). But with Creative Writing, life might not suck too much?
I mean, I really only have a handful of weeks of FI left. Ooooh man...I don't care if I get a C in that class--as long as I get through it. It's supposed to make me a critical thinker though--and my advisor is like "That's exactly what we want for our Cinema students!" Er...
Whatever!
French is somewhat intimidating, yes--but I can only hope I'll find a good teacher and be able to get back into the swing of things. I can always warm up with the lower levels, right?

I-left-all-my-mango-juice-at-home.
My mom bought me a bunch of cans during my visit and I left them all in the fridge.
Whhyyyyy??
Oh well, I guess I can get them when I go back Friday. Life.

( I felt like putting this under a cut--which means it's not strictly necessary that you read it. )

They turned the heating on in our dorms and it creates a nice little pocket of warmth up on my bunk. It's cozy.
Granted, at times I'm sure it's going to be like "aaaaagh!heatstroke!" but for now I'm just going to enjoy it.

La.

EDIT: Oh god, I left my ring at home! My dinky-rusty-fake-cladagh!! I left it in my room at home!! I picked up all my bracelets and stuff in one clump, it must still be on my bedside table.
*cry* Lame!

I feel sick and horrible and like something's been irreparably damaged.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, I got to hang out with Lawson today, we swung by AHS and hung out with Ms. Wood for a while. It was really good to see her again (but also really weird to be back in high school). We got yelled at by letting Lydia in through the front door w/o going through the main office (it's like a prison there now, man)--the woman threatened to write us up and we all just kind of snickered.
Afterwards we went downtown and got some pizza, wandered around. It was super cold but it was still a lot of fun. We played Kickie Foots.
Oh, before we went to AHS, Lawson and I were hanging out in Fashion Square Mall--we were in Waldens and he was looking at a book of dirty jokes. Later at Christians, he pulls it out of his back pocket.
"Dude, did you steal that??"
"Uuuh..."
So yeah, that was mildly entertaining and worrisome at the same time.
Many antics occurred.

For the most part it was a pretty good day.......aside from the whole...awful part...where Idy and I had to ignore each other during her 8th period until she left to do something for Ceramics.
I wasn't going to go in because I didn't want to feel like an asshole--so I told Ms. Wood about it (the general situation and why I couldn't go in her room).
"So are you leaving or sticking with Lawson?"
"I'm hanging out with Lawson actually..." (who was obviously in her room at that point)
"Where are you going to go??"
"I dunno..."
"No! You have every right to come into my room, if Cassidy's parents want to bring their homelife to school and they have a problem with this, they can talk to me. [rant rant rant]"
So she let me into her room and...it was kind of painful...but I really wanted to see Ms. Wood.
She called Idy out into the hallway and talked to her about it as well--and I can't decide if this was a good thing or a bad thing. Because I feel like a Class-A Bastard for going against Idy's wishes like that. But I didn't try to talk to her...we blatantly ignored each other. Didn't even look at each other.
But what I did was wrong..........I'm such an asshole. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to her about it. This is just going to be hanging in the air until she's allowed to talk again. And by the time that finally rolls around, I'll have built up so much guilt, I don't know if I'll even be able to go through with it.
God, I...I hate the kind of person I am. I hate myself.
I really appreciate Ms. Wood's support and it made me feel a little better but...I can't help but feel like I should have just stayed away. It was cruel to do that. It was wrong, it was wrong.
Sure I have a right to see Ms. Wood but.....

And the worst part is, I can't even cry about it.

I'm kind of thoroughly depressed--but I think I let that happen a lot and I need to stop letting other peoples' lives make feel insignificant (that grammar is...painful).
Anyway...nobody looks at me w/interest, there's no real reason to do so. Blah blah blah, we've all heard this story before.
(The heat here isn't helping my case either--and yet everybody else seems to walk around like it's no problem whatsoever. They are freaks, this is a my reasonable and logical conclusion.)

The plain and simple truth is that I want to be friends w/a bunch of guys (don't ask me why) but I don't see that happening anytime soon (let alone people in general).

My-fucking-god....
I'm just...the words.
I'm...exasperated (I don't think I've ever used that word in that sense before...I mean, I've written down 'in exasperation' but I've never used the 'ed' form....Anyway!)
You have got to be kidding me.
This is fucking ridiculous.
If he really cared that damn much then he'd tell what the fuck was going on and stop going out with other girls.
Christ.
I'm ready to throw my hands up because he is giving me absolutely nothing here.

There are times when I just want to drive my head through a wall.

It's just...I feel like I'm the only one without any options.
I know that's not true but I can't help myself.

I hate boys.

No--I hate hormones.


But anyway! Today was spent watching Invader Zim and lazing around the house. That was incredibly chill--I always forget how much I love that show until I watch it again. Aah, it fits my humour pretty perfectly.

So...Hayden.
Jeez
All that business is back, it would seem.
Well, sort of.

Oh, I am in a rut of sorts.
Not entirely sure why. It happens.

Actually I'm pretty sure it's because I'm afraid a friend of mine has spontaneously decided she doesn't care for me that much anymore. It's not that exactly...I just feel...er, words. They fail me. Suddenly I feel obnoxious or as if I'm assuming something...but I don't know what.
Eeerrhmm...yeah.
So I figure...I don't know what I want to say.
I'm just going to...yeah.


Maybe I'm afraid she doesn't need me anymore.

Geez,
(that's weird, I normally spell that with a 'J'...anyway)
you guys make me feel like I should be constantly questioning my sexuality and gender and what not. I feel kind of weird being such a straight girl sometimes.
:/
But, I mean, if I have no problem with the way I am (or the way everyone else is)--then what's the issue? I just feel like maybe I should be questioning life a little more--like I'm taking it for granted or something.

EDIT:
p.s. Oh wow, my sister linked to this on her journal so I stole b/c it's totally awesome.
Apparently this showed up after a gay-rights rally in DC.
That's just perfect.

So, my facebook horoscope--it is crazy-ness lately.
The other day it was something like "you're feeling sensitive about what someone said yesterday, but don't worry!" (yeah, vague, but still).
And today, it says this:
Do not stress if someone is late today! You will still get there on time, promise.

'Cause I still haven't heard from Hayden and I don't know what the flip is up.
:/

...in emotions and hormones, I apologize.
Mostly right now I feel quite bad b/c my mom's been having a hard time at work lately and she's really exhausted. I wish I knew what to do for her but everything seems to make her even more upset. I tried to thank her for taking us to all these festivals but it turned into a discussion about how these would be the last and got her more upset (b/c it was an issue of money). Plus our grandmother has gone and gotten Dish TV when she has no idea how to work the bloody thing and probably will never be able to grasp the concept of a "guide". My mom just gets really frustrated when her mother doesn't talk to her about these things and does something on a whim w/o thinking it through. It's really unfortunate, the timing of that.

Meanwhile, as I've said way too many times, I can't get freakin' boys out of my head. It's Russell Brand's fault, mainly--and it's driving me mad.

I just want simplicity.
Is that so wrong?
Oh well.

I feel very selfish--or did anyway.
Now that's gotten kind of glossed over by the fact that I finally got a good night's sleep last night. And dreamt about cemeteries that gave out Chinese food...

I was talking about this with Maisy (or rather mentioned it) earlier--but I get this feeling that Mrs. Wood doesn't really like me. I'm not saying she actively dislikes me but I just get this vibe...a "you're weird and you kind of confuse me so I'm just going to nod and possibly ignore a bit of what you say (especially when you go on about weird British things)" kind of vibe. You know? Which is kind of understandable b/c my British shows tend to be a bit odd but still...
And maybe it is just a bit of jealousy in me b/c she adores so many of her other students (specifically the seniors this year). But yeah...hm...I think I'm just seeking attention and recognition b/c secretly I'm quite greedy.

Yep.

Um...is it bad that I just coughed up a bit of stomach bile for no apparent reason?
Cause that was gross and disturbing.

Nooooooooooooooooooo.
I may actually have some sort of break down--I really shouldn't though because it's absolutely ridiculous to get this worked up about a boy.
Especially a boy who has no idea this is going on.
Oh dear.

Anyway, yep.
One day my posts will stop being so...girly.
Hopefully.

Just when I thought I had thoroughly distracted myself...Facebook jumps out of nowhere and throws a curve ball at me.

Damn...

That seems a frequent subject nowadays...

So, a tiny and stupid part of me wants to think he started that conversation because I was there and seeing as how he had already asked Jackie about it--why bring it up again?
BUT then, the rest of me kicks and reminds me that he was, in fact, looking and directing the question at Jackie not me and I didn't even say a frikkin' word in response. Not any audible ones anyway.

And now I just feel like an unaccomplished fool and I may go even more insane than I already am because of this boy. Aaaaagagahahaaaaagh.

I'd settle for being friends if I could just prove that I exist.
But, alas, I am an awkward dork and will never have the courage to hold a proper conversation with him.

Now I'm off to bash my head into something like a wall.

So, I can't seem to get boys off of my mind.

( I'll put it under a cut for spewing )

On a different note, Edward Norton is made of complete "yay!"

It's pointless, pointless, pointless!



Because I'll never be noticed by anybody.
I don't know what it's like to feel pretty...
And I'm not trying to make a dig at other people, I'm just feeling sorry for myself again.

Alright, done.
Enjoy your day.